Quick Tips for Surviving University

Congratulations! If you are reading this with the intention of becoming a fully fledged university bawus, it can be presumed that you were accepted into a tertiary education institute. Ku-fucking-dos goes to you my friend. Now you are entering into a stage where you are willingly prolonging your schooling years. In case it wasn't made clear to you, university is voluntary. You have already completed the legally required formal schooling.

Now that we have dispensed of the unnecessary crowd, let's continue. Supposing you are studying a degree that holds a certain level of employability (so not an arts degree) you will hopefully be working in a relevant field, with a higher pay-packet than what you would have otherwise received. This will be incredibly useful when paying off all of your atrociously immense student loans.

Otherwise, I have put together an amateur's guide for attaining prosperity at uni. Keep in mind that I am a first year student, who has not yet been to my first class. It's obvi that I not only hold, but I carved the keys to the door of success. Hey, I survived the final year of high school and I have watched Legally Blonde enough times to gain a legit expertise. So, here we go.

1. Like the Undergraduate Quick Tips - From Previous First Year Students page on Facebook. This collection of wisdom comes the creator/s (?) of the infamous Schoolies Quick Tips - From Previous Grade 12 Students and QCS Quick Tips - From Previous Grade 12 Students
pages. You know this is legit. In fact, for any well wishing student, this will be your Bible. With nuggets of wholesome truth such as "Ginger kids are actually not allowed to graduate from any educational institution in Australia", it's not only irresistible, it's essential.

2. Actually refuse to investigate the finer details of your degree. Your catchphrase should now be "what the shit is a major?" People will realise that you're a lewse bastard and instantly want to be your friend. Even your professors won't be able to help themselves from falling for the fine individual you are. The fact that you're flawed only adds to your entire demeanour.

3. Don the appropriate gear to create the whole "I'm a very serious student" aura. At the very least, chunky specs are absolutely mandatory.

4. It is not necessary to attend all lectures and tutorials. You must however be present at all toga parties, ready to rock out with your very best cake face and bed sheet. Have an exam the next day? No worries, have another rum and coke. You are not honestly prepared for the real world until you have completed a three hour exam with an ample hangover.

5. Instead of buying textbooks and watching hundreds of dollar disparate, chat up the unknowing person next to you and photocopy the pages necessary from their edition. This should probably only cost you half of what it should have, with only ten times the amount of effort. Repeat this process for all of your courses.    

6. Always remember the golden rule. May Daria bless you.